Friday, November 02, 2007
i'm going to be posting at my other blog for awhile. i started a blog there a long time ago and then switched to blogdrive for some reason. i find that adding pix to blogger is easier than on blogdrive and that's what i really like. plus there is no freakin' add at the top of that blog.
i may still use this one for something. maybe just real personal thoughts and such. not sure yet.
see you over there:
my other blog
Posted at 11/2/2007 2:56:53 pm by sssmommy
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
my dear friend tracy might read the title of this post and think it's going to be about something much deeper...but it's not. no, i'm talking about old tapes, real ones, not psychological ones.
from my last post it's pretty obvious that i've been listening to some old music in the car. when we were moving, i pulled the tapes i had in the car and replaced them with some i hadn't listened to in awhile.
there's just something really cool about old tapes. while packing i found one from 1974 (i think) of me and my 2 older sisters. i was screaming and throwing a fit. i was 3. sounded just like silas at that age...deep, raspy voice. also found tapes i'd made of my kids. talking, singing songs. we had a lot of fun listening to them. it made me miss them (the then them). another good tape i found was one i had been making for my friend in florida when i was about 13. i never sent it...obviously. but listening to it makes me glad i didn't (sorry g-squared). who was i then? i have no idea, but that tape helps put some of the pieces together.
there is a spontaneous quality to tapes that you don't get with being able to make your own CDs. maybe that's what digital cameras are now. most have the ability to film with sound now too, which is pretty cool. and you don't have to think about developing, you can just take pictures of whatever. i like that.
the tape i was listening to in the car was recorded off the tv (which was playing a video that my boyfriend at the time had recorded for me). we lived in hiltons, virginia and there was not a lot of good television reception...let alone cable. so he would tape MTV's "120 minutes" video show for me. so i had made a mix tape of some songs from those videos (which i still have those too by the way!). in one song you can even hear the bark of a now long gone dog. we had several, so i don't know which one it might've been. the date on the tape is 3-30-88. just a few days after my 17th birthday. so whichever dogs we had at that time, it was one of them.
here's the song list (for those who are curious):
birth, school, work, death - the godfathers
no new tale to tell - love & rockets
kiss and tell - bryan ferry
peace of mind - the grapes of wrath
under the milkyway - the church
talk talk - talk talk
mandinka - sinead o-conner
the boy with a thorn in his side - the smiths
inside out - mighty lemon drops
beds are burning - midnight oil
world shut your mouth - julian cope
hot, hot, hot - the cure
on the other side is copy from a tape, so the sound is much better. it's echo & the bunnymen's self titled 1987 release.
i've really enjoyed listening to this old stuff. brings back lots of memories.
am i the only one with 20 year old mix tapes??
Posted at 10/24/2007 7:40:27 pm by sssmommy
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
coming home from a wonderful day at rock creek (which was dry as a bone and so so sad to see) i was listening to camper van beethoven and this song came on and for some reason i just thought "today, i'm putting this song on my blog!!" i haven't written much lately. been all busy being back in tennessee again, meeting new people, hiking, spending time with family. so i'm just sharing words today, mine or someone else's...it's all good.
i came home and watched oprah, bill cosby was on and that drew me right in. he had some pretty interesting things to say about the sad state our children are in, well, he was specifically talking about minorities, but it spoke to an awful lot more than that. one thing he said (and he was real clear that it wasn't something he had come up with) was "hurt people, hurt people"...so i wanted to pass that on. it reminds me of this one:
real eyes realize real lies
okay, back to my song.
Camper Van Beethoven - "Seven Languages"
I played this song for my love
But she said to me
"it has no meaning at all."
We walked across the park
And I said a word
And we went to the bar
For no reason at all
Well up in the sky
Well I saw a cloud
And I thought that it looked like something
But on second thought not
And I would come to visit you
But I canít find my car keys
And I canít remember where you live
And if I had just a little time
I could speak seven languages
I could walk on water
A friend calls me on the phone
And tells me a joke
Well I think that I laugh
But I donít remember at all
I woke up with a word in my head
And as far as I know
It has no meaning at all
Well up in the sky
Well I saw a cloud
And I thought it looked like a face
But on second thought not
And I would come to visit you
But I canít find my car keys
And I canít think of right words to say
And if I had just a little time
I could speak seven languages
I could walk on water
at the time, when i was listening to it and driving, it seemed like it was saying so much. like i related to something in it and now, well, i just can't remember.
Posted at 10/17/2007 5:57:23 pm by sssmommy
Friday, October 05, 2007
more thoughts about "stuff"
here's another thing i had been thinking a lot about since packing.
we had been packing for a month and we kept setting things aside that we were taking to my parents' house and stuff that we needed to not pack at all because we still needed it daily. and as more boxes piled up, and we went about our lives each day packing and living, i started wondering how much of the stuff in those packed boxes we really needed. well, none of it really. absolutely none of it. i'm talking about need here. not the two huge boxes of photo albums, the more than i can count that contain much loved precious toys and stuffed animals and dolls and legos and art supplies and an unimaginable amount of saved drawings. i know this stuff we must keep, we love it, we "need" it, we cannot live without it. right?
i started fantasizing about a life that included only the stuff that was not being packed. you know, the tooth brushes and other bathroom things; a few cups, bowls and plates and utensils; a few boxes of must have all the time toys and supplies and books. that's it. nothing else. and maybe...maybe...even less furniture. GASP!!! i am a furniture junkie. i love to find it by the side of the road and bring it home and give it all sorts of loving care and make it a part of our family. much like some people are with animals. how even i might be with animals had i a place to keep them or the money to maintain them.
but what do we really need? how much of what we have do we actually use on a daily basis? what could we live without...really?
from what i observed during the packing weeks, we could live in our camper again quite easily with even less stuff that we had packed into it back then. everything we brought to my parents' house fit into the back of the jeep. we have a few boxes of clothes at the front of the storage space that are for winter. and that's it.
so why can't i get rid of everything else? well, i don't want to. and i do want to. but i don't. the "i don't want to" side of me wins...as it often does.
still, i find myself imagining when we move into a house and how different i plan on arranging all this stuff. and even thinking about a few key pieces of furniture to get rid of. you know, i almost got rid of my ginormous old ugly sectional. i told scotty if it makes his life easier to not have to fit it into the uhaul that i would get rid of it. turned out, there was plenty of space after everything else was in there, so i got to keep it. i was happy. good thing i used to be so good at tetris. samuel said he could see me playing real life tetris in my head as i put all the boxes into the uhaul just so.
anyway. that's about all the stuff i have to say about stuff for now. i think...
thoughts, ideas (much like stuff)...there are just an endless supply of them.
Posted at 10/5/2007 10:21:22 am by sssmommy
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
anybody touches my stuff...
they fuckin' die!!
no, no...i don't really talk like that. that's just a line from a pixies' song. but i was listening to it today and it made me think about something that happened yesterday and thinking about that made me start thinking about so many many other things. and here they are...in no particular order:
we're staying with my parents right now. it's been a week. things are going pretty smoothly. i've finally gotten back into a rythm that feels more natural. those first few days i was a zombie. the other night i was doing dishes or something and my dad was taking out the trash and i said to him: "ya know, if this house were bigger and we all had less stuff this would be an ideal way to live." having more people around all the time is nice. especially on weekends when my parents don't have to work. generational household i think it's called. more than one income. more than one pair of adult hands at just about any given time. not so much on the privacy, but i guess that's where creativity comes in handy.
so yesterday we come home and find that my nephew has been in our room playing the kids' gamecube. samuel, who is pretty sensitive about his stuff, got pretty upset. he did eventually get past it. but i could tell it left a feeling of his privacy having been invaded. so this got me to thinking about privacy and how people feel about all their "stuff."
what is it about our stuff that is so important and private and special? why do we hate the idea of other people being in our stuff? why do we have so much stuff to begin with?
one of the things i'm going to be doing while we're staying here is helping my mom sort through stuff that she wants to have in a yard sale. my mom likes to keep a lot of things (this is where i get my need to keep things from, thanks mom!!). i know how attached she is to her stuff. i know that my going through it and making decisions about what to keep is way out of the question. hell, i wouldn't want anyone to do that for me. but i'm here more than anyone and i keep thinking how i could get it done in no time. i'm already good and primed from the cleaning out and packing of our recent move. all my sorting muscles are all warmed up. let me at it!! but i know it's gonna be baby steps. parting with things seems to be harder the longer we've had it. as if time somehow makes it more important or valuable or meaningful.
i don't know. so that's what i was thinking about. stuff. our attachment to it. our need for it. our need for it not to be messed with by anyone else.
just stuff, ya know.
Posted at 10/3/2007 7:42:57 pm by sssmommy
Sunday, September 23, 2007
today is an emotional day for me. i'm excited about seeing scotty tonight after 3 weeks of missing him. i'm excited to be almost done with all of this. i'm excited to go back to tennessee, to see family and friends for more than a few days again.
but i'm picking things up, sweeping, doing last minute laundry and packing. and i'm crying like a baby. there's a picture sadie drew for her best friend. a goodbye picture. i found it on her dresser still and took it into the living room so she won't forget to give it to her. and i just started crying. i swept and cried. took out the trash sniffling and while i was coming back in passed by her friend's window and knew they were in there playing together for maybe the last time...and i started crying again. this is my one huge big regret about this move. her pain. her sadness. she is so unhappy about leaving her friend. people keep saying things to her like "oh you'll make new friends." but they do not understand. maybe they have never left behind a best friend. it hurts. really bad. and i feel it for her. i moved when i was 11 away from the very best childhood friend i would ever have. sure, we wrote letters for years but eventually lost touch. i don't think i ever really learned how to completely attach to other people because of that loss. i hope that doesn't happen to her.
they have a really special bond. i don't think there's anything like having your best friend live right next door. they get to have so much quality time together. i envy that. i miss that. i hate that we're taking that away from her. i know very deeply that this move is the best thing for us all, but when i think of her sadness i wonder if it's true. how can something be for the good of all if it is not good for each person individually. i struggle with that. but i also know that staying here so that she does not have to move away from her friend doesn't make sense either. it sounds callus inside my head when i say it, but this is what it is...it's not enough of a reason to stay. there you go. now you know my dark side.
i don't know what else to say about it. but i just needed to say something. i feel so bad right now.
Posted at 9/23/2007 1:38:52 pm by sssmommy
Friday, September 21, 2007
today we (samuel, silas, and i) have been learning about how to make our profiles cooler on gaiaonline.com. we've all figured out different little things to do to make them better. html codes, links, pictures, music, videos...all that neat stuff. it's been fun. it's been frustrating. but lots of learning happening. it makes me think of how our kids, this internet generation, thinks, creates, and interracts differently than we did. to watch the speed clicking and editing and multi-tab activity is fascinating.
while we were all taking turns on the computer, tweaking our various profiles and blogs, sadie was in her room writing and performing songs. she has a composition notebook designated just for song writing now. about ever 15-20 minutes she would come out to ask me how to spell a word. it's interesting that she didn't ask me how to spell ALL the words, just some. there were lots of words that she just chose to try to spell on her own, but for some reason there were words that she wanted me to spell out for her. i thought that was kind of interesting. like the word "be" or "friends"...but not words like "when" which she spelled "wine" or "always" which she spelled "olways." i love that she is working on these songs, that she is exploring this concept of song writing and the subjects she chooses for the songs. i've also been watching her play "animal crossing" on the gamecube and i am amazed at how she has gone so quickly from needing me in the room the whole time to read the dialogue for her to reading it all on her own. she was never taught to read. neither was silas. samuel, only halfway. because halfway through was when he realized he did not like it (but he had requested to learn it, so i did try to). i am always amused by people's reactions to the fact that i don't "teach" my kids school subjects. it is inconceivable to them that children can actual learn things on their own.
another case in point. when we went to blackbeard's cove the other day, silas had gone to the ticket counting machine twice and so had two slips with his ticket amounts. one had 57, the other 67. he asked me, "mommy, what is 7 plus 17?" and i said, "but you have 57 and 67." he says, "i know, what's 7 plus 17?' to which i answered 24. and without skipping a beat he said, "YES!! i've got 124 tickets!!" it took me a second to go where his mind had gone and i realized he had done creative math. he knew 50 and 50 made 100, he just needed to know the rest. i'm not sure where he learned to do that little trick, but he learned it...somehow. and as far as the "not knowing" 7 plus 17...all in good time, all in good time. and if he never learns (read memorizes) simple addition, i know he has the ABILITY to figure it out on his own when the time comes for him to need it.
after all, isn't that the most important skill we can ever aquire. the ability and the confidence to find the answers we need. so if anyone wants to know what my kids learn/do all day long, i will tell them: "they are learning how to think for themselves and figure things out on their own." i can't think of anything more valuable to learn.
Posted at 9/21/2007 5:49:57 pm by sssmommy
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
i've been planning a special day for the kids this week...but they didn't know about it. i got up this morning and played around on the computer until they got up. when they were all up, i told them to get dressed because we needed to go to the grocery store (which we do, but we didn't). so off we go and we pass our usual shopping spots...and they ask where we're going and i tell them we're gonna go to a different place that i wanted to check out.
then we pull into "blackbeard's cove, family fun park"....and then they are all excited!! here's the cool thing. while we were getting ready to go, samuel informs me that it's some sort of national pirate day, or talk like a pirate day. which i thought was pretty cool given my surprise. isn't that just a wonderful coincidence. oh wait, there are no coincidences. so i'm trying to figure out what this one means like deepak says i should but i can't figure it out yet. then we get in the car and it's exactly 10:25 and the radio digital display is on channel 102.5...we thought that was pretty cool.
this is something we probably never would've done because of the cost but my friends at the sprout gave me a $40 gift certificate on my last day of work. thank you so much guys!!
when we first got there, it was all empty and i started to worry that they might be closed. i said "they can't be closed on pirate day!!!" but they were open, yeah!!
so the first thing we did was a round of mini golf on the fort course. right away on the first hole, sadie got a hole in one!! the next exciting thing was that on the 7th hole, sadie had to go pee NOW!! so we went and did that and then came back. luckily we were the only people there. then around the 11th hole, i had samuel pose with a sign and the next thing you know he's screaming and pulling his clothes off!!! i am not kidding. he had gotten into a red ant pile and they were all over him!! o.h.m.y.g.o.s.h.
by this time i was starving and couldn't wait to get inside for lunch. snack bar food!! yep, believe it or not, i love snack bar food. nachos, fries...ya know i don't get that stuff often. so we finished the course and headed back inside for lunch. we ALL got nachos, sadie got a cheese quesadilla, the boys got cheese pizza slices, and i got a salad. yum, we were so stuffed!! sadly, there was no more room for fries.
then it was time for the go karts!!! this was crazy fun. i could hardly steer the damn thing!! i found out that i am not going to be able to let silas drive...ever!! he was wild behind the wheel. we went round and round and i started to wonder (even more than i did before) why someone would want to be a race car driver. sure, it's fun and when you go really fast, it's exciting and scary. but by the 4th lap round, i was ready to stop!! ah well. it was fun anyway. and better than feeling like the ride wasn't long enough...that always sucks.
we then we went inside to use our $5 worth of tokens on the games. you know the type of arcades that are ticket based. get so many tickets from playing certain games and see what sort of junk you can get for a ridiculously high number of tickets. ah but it was fun, and for the most part...not coming out of my pocket. i got the most tickets...this is because i'm a skeeball freak!! and that's where you get the most tickets. unless you're brave and go for the gamble type games.
then the hard part came. deciding what to get with all the tickets. holy cow. decisions decisions. in the end we pretty much just put all out tickets together and we all got some fun junk. i just wanted the pirate rubber ducky and let the kids have the rest.
then we got ice cream at the snack bar. and that was the end of our pirate day fun at blackbeard's. we took tons of pix that i'm going to put on my flickr page because i don't feel like reducing my pictures enough so that they aren't too big for this site (i tried uploading one picture and it said it exceeded my space left or something or other). ah well.
pix here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sssmommy/sets/72157602086767917/
i was really happy that we got to do this before leaving town. we really needed a fun day out of the apartment. i've had the gift certificate since july and kept putting off using it because of the heat. and today was just beautiful, not too hot, not too cold (as if it could ever be really cold in september here). ah but it got me looking forward to a tennessee fall.
happy pirate day, mateys!!!!
Posted at 9/19/2007 4:02:30 pm by sssmommy
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
remember the 8 things meme? one thing on it had been really bothering me...it was about how i have always hated my hair. well for the past few months i've been changing that thought in my mind. yesterday, i told my friend tracy about my new mantra and when i said it out loud it made me laugh. i'd never said it out loud before. so i thought...why not say it out loud on your blog. make it more real that way, right? more effective.
so here's my new hair mantra (and i have more that are about all sorts of things...but this one...this one is just for my hair):
my hair is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday!
that's it. like it? i do. i decided that by always saying that i hated my hair i was only making that more and more true. like being called stupid all the time when you're a kid...well, you probably know how that one goes.
so i have turned my attention to what i want to feel, believe...whatever. and it's helping. i haven't taken scissors to my hair since. oh i look and i think, i really need to trim those little growining out wings in the back there. i always do that when i'm trying to grow my hair out. and then i just never know when to stop and the next thing you know i'm half bald and back to trying to grow it out again. it is an ugly cycle.
so, i am taking it all in. the wings that drive me crazy even...i am taking it all in and learning to love it all. it is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday. it is, really!
you should hear my other mantras. ah, but that is for another time altogether.
Currently listening to:9 CrimesBy Damien Rice
Posted at 9/18/2007 8:40:01 am by sssmommy
Monday, September 17, 2007
i owe the blog world an entry
okay, it is obvious i'm not a blogger...LOL. i am not a writer. i do not have a lot to say. but i thought i owed the blog world an update.
so we're moving. we're packing. it is a lot of fun...NOT. it is a surreal time right now. you know how time usually feels like it's either going too fast or too slow. well, right now...it's doing both for me. going fast because i do not feel like i will ever have enough time to get it all done by the 24th. going slow because it feels like an eternity since scotty left on the 3rd and i can't wait for it to all be done and over with. i wish it were like christmas. you know the waiting, anticipation and all that. but you can just go to sleep and before you know it, it's morning and it's here!! that's how i want this move to be. i want to just go to sleep and wake up and have it all done!!
so what else is new? i have recently been back in touch with some people from my past. not just my childhood best friend in florida. but people i went to high school with. that has been exciting. there were only a handful of people that i really really loved...and right now i'm lucky to be in contact with a few of them again. pam, sheila, becky, david. there are still a few more i would love to hear from again, TJ, todd, tony, susan, christy, angela, scott. i even had a dream last night about my 8th grade love, tim. so my head is all wrapped up in the past right now as i'm in the process of planning a new future. it is a wonderful time.
something interesting happened the other day. okay, i don't know if interesting is the right word for it...but anyway. silas had been frog and lizard catching with his friend leslie. he had caught the tiniest tree frog, tiny tiny tiny. he came to show it to me. they are in the breezeway playing with their catches and the next thing i know silas comes in crying. like, really really crying. the frog had jumped out of his hand and his friend stepped on it. oh my god, it broke my heart. he was so very upset, i can't even describe it. then samuel started crying because he can't stand to see silas upset. i went out to pick it up and bury it and i started crying (not sobbing, but i did tear up a bit). it was so pitiful to see this little guy that i had just seen alive and jumping. and of course, seeing silas so upset and feeling his sadness. BUT, as i picked it up, it moved. turns out the little guy only looked smooshed. he was just little enough to escape being crushed. a dribbled him with some water because he was dry from being handled and he was perky and jumping in no time. so here's the weird thing. silas is the child who usually shuts down emotionally. he is often unable to express extreme sadness (example, he could not cry when his grandmother died. although he was very very upset and you could see that tears wanted to come). yet, here he was nearly hysterical over this frog. i find this unusual. but i know that it is "normal" for him. really big stuff maybe is too much for him to process. i don't know. maybe the immediacy of seeing it alive and then seeing it "dead"...i don't know.
i watched "off the map" again the other day during a much needed break. i really love that movie. i need to watch it again and again to help remind me of what it is i really want my life to be like.
okay, i blogged =)
Posted at 9/17/2007 10:07:56 am by sssmommy