today is an emotional day for me. i'm excited about seeing scotty tonight after 3 weeks of missing him. i'm excited to be almost done with all of this. i'm excited to go back to tennessee, to see family and friends for more than a few days again.
but i'm picking things up, sweeping, doing last minute laundry and packing. and i'm crying like a baby. there's a picture sadie drew for her best friend. a goodbye picture. i found it on her dresser still and took it into the living room so she won't forget to give it to her. and i just started crying. i swept and cried. took out the trash sniffling and while i was coming back in passed by her friend's window and knew they were in there playing together for maybe the last time...and i started crying again. this is my one huge big regret about this move. her pain. her sadness. she is so unhappy about leaving her friend. people keep saying things to her like "oh you'll make new friends." but they do not understand. maybe they have never left behind a best friend. it hurts. really bad. and i feel it for her. i moved when i was 11 away from the very best childhood friend i would ever have. sure, we wrote letters for years but eventually lost touch. i don't think i ever really learned how to completely attach to other people because of that loss. i hope that doesn't happen to her.
they have a really special bond. i don't think there's anything like having your best friend live right next door. they get to have so much quality time together. i envy that. i miss that. i hate that we're taking that away from her. i know very deeply that this move is the best thing for us all, but when i think of her sadness i wonder if it's true. how can something be for the good of all if it is not good for each person individually. i struggle with that. but i also know that staying here so that she does not have to move away from her friend doesn't make sense either. it sounds callus inside my head when i say it, but this is what it is...it's not enough of a reason to stay. there you go. now you know my dark side.
i don't know what else to say about it. but i just needed to say something. i feel so bad right now.