sssmommy
Female
Tennessee


this is my space, a place to call my own, a place for me to face my own inner-space...


"hey it's me, i'm dynamite and i don't know why"
summer 2007






this summer sun has been good for me!!!
october 2006






me with no hair!!!
summer 2005







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some good reading:
contrary goddess
more contrary goddess
signs of life
abbynormal
tea with ren
growgreengrapes
jill writes
my art blog
my etsy page
postsecret
vast gallery
etsygreetings



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Tuesday, September 18, 2007
my hair

remember the 8 things meme?  one thing on it had been really bothering me...it was about how i have always hated my hair.  well for the past few months i've been changing that thought in my mind.  yesterday, i told my friend tracy about my new mantra and when i said it out loud it made me laugh.  i'd never said it out loud before.  so i thought...why not say it out loud on your blog.  make it more real that way, right?  more effective.

so here's my new hair mantra (and i have more that are about all sorts of things...but this one...this one is just for my hair):

my hair is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday!

that's it.  like it?  i do.  i decided that by always saying that i hated my hair i was only making that more and more true.  like being called stupid all the time when you're a kid...well, you probably know how that one goes.

so i have turned my attention to what i want to feel, believe...whatever.  and it's helping.  i haven't taken scissors to my hair since.  oh i look and i think, i really need to trim those little growining out wings in the back there.  i always do that when i'm trying to grow my hair out.  and then i just never know when to stop and the next thing you know i'm half bald and back to trying to grow it out again.  it is an ugly cycle.

so, i am taking it all in.  the wings that drive me crazy even...i am taking it all in and learning to love it all.  it is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday.  it is, really!

you should hear my other mantras.  ah, but that is for another time altogether.



Currently listening to:
9 Crimes
By Damien Rice


Currently watching:
Lost - The Complete Third Season
Staring Matthew Fox



Posted at 9/18/2007 8:40:01 am by sssmommy
Comments (2)  

Monday, September 17, 2007
i owe the blog world an entry

okay, it is obvious i'm not a blogger...LOL.  i am not a writer.  i do not have a lot to say.  but i thought i owed the blog world an update.

so we're moving.  we're packing.  it is a lot of fun...NOT.  it is a surreal time right now.  you know how time usually feels like it's either going too fast or too slow.  well, right now...it's doing both for me.  going fast because i do not feel like i will ever have enough time to get it all done by the 24th.  going slow because it feels like an eternity since scotty left on the 3rd and i can't wait for it to all be done and over with.  i wish it were like christmas.  you know the waiting, anticipation and all that.  but you can just go to sleep and before you know it, it's morning and it's here!!  that's how i want this move to be.  i want to just go to sleep and wake up and have it all done!!

so what else is new?  i have recently been back in touch with some people from my past.  not just my childhood best friend in florida.  but people i went to high school with.  that has been exciting.  there were only a handful of people that i really really loved...and right now i'm lucky to be in contact with a few of them again.  pam, sheila, becky, david.  there are still a few more i would love to hear from again, TJ, todd, tony, susan, christy, angela, scott.  i even had a dream last night about my 8th grade love, tim.  so my head is all wrapped up in the past right now as i'm in the process of planning a new future.  it is a wonderful time.

something interesting happened the other day.  okay, i don't know if interesting is the right word for it...but anyway.  silas had been frog and lizard catching with his friend leslie.  he had caught the tiniest tree frog, tiny tiny tiny.  he came to show it to me.  they are in the breezeway playing with their catches and the next thing i know silas comes in crying.  like, really really crying.  the frog had jumped out of his hand and his friend stepped on it.  oh my god, it broke my heart.  he was so very upset, i can't even describe it.  then samuel started crying because he can't stand to see silas upset.  i went out to pick it up and bury it and i started crying (not sobbing, but i did tear up a bit).  it was so pitiful to see this little guy that i had just seen alive and jumping.  and of course, seeing silas so upset and feeling his sadness.  BUT, as i picked it up, it moved.  turns out the little guy only looked smooshed.  he was just little enough to escape being crushed.  a dribbled him with some water because he was dry from being handled and he was perky and jumping in no time.  so here's the weird thing.  silas is the child who usually shuts down emotionally.  he is often unable to express extreme sadness (example, he could not cry when his grandmother died.  although he was very very upset and you could see that tears wanted to come).  yet, here he was nearly hysterical over this frog.  i find this unusual.  but i know that it is "normal" for him.  really big stuff maybe is too much for him to process.  i don't know.  maybe the immediacy of seeing it alive and then seeing it "dead"...i don't know.

anyway.

i watched "off the map" again the other day during a much needed break.  i really love that movie.  i need to watch it again and again to help remind me of what it is i really want my life to be like.

okay, i blogged =)

 



Currently listening to:
The Mating Game
By Bitter:Sweet


Currently watching:
Off the Map
Staring Amy Brenneman





Posted at 9/17/2007 10:07:56 am by sssmommy
Comment (1)  

Monday, September 03, 2007
wha??

okay, i'm laying on the floor doing a crossword puzzle and dancing (at the same time?...yes).  girl knocks on the door for the boys, she comes in to wait for silas and we're talking about our move and she asks what job i'm gonna be doing and is a little surprised to hear me say i don't work (ha ha ha).  and then she says i should be an art teacher.  ummm.  okay.  now, i like this girl because she thinks i'm 25, so i don't want to hurt her feelings...but i told her i really couldn't, wouldn't, be a teacher.  that would be like harry potter becoming valdemort.  i gave her a quick synopsis of what i believe about how children learn on their own better than having things taught to them.  it was funny.

okay, so i'm trying to write more.  see what you get when i decide to just write what just happened just now.  just boring, right??



Currently listening to:
Love in the Time of Science
By Emiliana Torrini


Currently listening to:
Details
By Frou Frou





Posted at 9/3/2007 5:26:13 pm by sssmommy
Comments (3)  

Sunday, September 02, 2007
what's up now...

well, it's been three years since i started this blog.  i haven't always been real good about updating it though.  so anyway, what's up now is this:

we are moving back to tennessee.  it has been a wonderful three years here in charleston, but it is time to go home.

i got on here thinking i had all sorts of things to write about...but it seems i really don't and nothing is coming to me.



Currently reading:
Winnie-the-Pooh (Pooh Original Edition)
By A. A. Milne


Currently listening to:
The Reminder
By Feist


Currently watching:
The Astronaut Farmer
Staring Billy Bob Thornton


Currently listening to:
Light and Day
By The Polyphonic Spree



Posted at 9/2/2007 9:10:33 am by sssmommy
what do you think??  

Thursday, June 28, 2007
i got memed

okay CG, i'm finally getting around to it.

~~~Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.~~~

first off, i do not know 8 bloggers...at all!!!  so there.

1. i am constantly confused about where i'm going and i never feel fully settled.

2. i have a hard time throwing away boxes that stuff comes in.  same with glass jars.

3. i will always hate my hair and wish i were prettier.

4. i am left/right dyslexic...after all these years, i've finally decided to put a label on it, that makes it easier to communicate to someone why they simply should not ask me for directions or when the eye dr. asks me which way the thingamajig is pointing in the eye test...that the reason my response is slow is not because i can't see it, but because....."i am left/right dyslexic"....and it takes me a minute to figure it out.

5. i've almost forgotten how to have fun.

6. one of my favorite old songs is "the year of the cat" by al stewart.  one of my favorite new songs is "we are nowhere and it's now" by bright eyes.

7. every single night i dream about houses.

8. i'm learning how to like people.

the end...and, nope, no tags for me...i know no one....



Currently listening to:
Lose Yourself
By Eminem




Currently watching:
Firefly - The Complete Series
Staring Ron Glass


Currently watching:
Serenity (Widescreen Edition)
Staring Morena Baccarin


Currently listening to:
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
By Bright Eyes



Posted at 6/28/2007 9:33:25 am by sssmommy
Comments (4)  

Sunday, March 25, 2007
wankers!!

every time i watch british comedy, i want to be able to use words like "wanker" or "bullocks"...it just sounds so cool...but i am not cool.

i remember watching "young ones" in high school and being completely enamored with ric ("with a silent p") and i wanted to be able to say things like "piss off" and "bloody hell" with ease.  but i never did, well not unless we were all playing around...never in regular conversation.

watching "harry potter" (or even reading it for that matter), i want to incorporate into my regular speech things like "brilliant" and "dormitory" (said "dormitry")...much like listening to the smith's "cemetary gates" makes me want to say it "cemetry."

sometime last year we got the complete "young ones" on dvd at the library.  i later heard sadie saying "you bastard" with the perfect accent on all the right parts so much so that at first i hadn't known what she'd said.  i asked her and then asked where she heard it.  she said "the young ones."  this was good for a laugh.  here i'd been watching it, going down memory lane remembering how much i used to love shouting "school's out forever!  come on everybody, let all your hair's hang out!"; while my daughter was learning some favorite new phrases of her own.

i have never told my kids they couldn't use "bad words."  telling them what they mean generally gives them the opportunity to make that decision for themselves.  still, it's not something you want your little daughter to go around saying...especially being hard core unschoolers.  people tend to find any excuse to get into your business and you know, "no one ever expects a spanish inquisition!"  but you can try to avoid one.

well, bloody hell!!



Currently reading:
Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders
By Neil Gaiman


Currently watching:
Star Trek Deep Space Nine - The Complete Second Season
Staring Star Trek Deep Space Nine


Currently listening to:
Lua
By Bright Eyes



Posted at 3/25/2007 4:24:46 pm by sssmommy
Comments (3)  

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
update....sort of

on january 9th.  scotty's mom passed away.  it has been a difficult time, but we are all doing well, considering.  of the kids, it's been the hardest for samuel.  he and scotty both have daily breakdowns. 

i haven't felt much like posting anything lately.  i've been staying absorbed in other things.

thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and kind.

i'm sure i'll return to my usual meanderings soon.



Currently listening to:
Come on Pilgrim
By Pixies




Currently reading:
Waifs and Strays
By Charles de Lint


Currently reading:
Prodigal Summer: A Novel
By Barbara Kingsolver



Posted at 2/20/2007 6:45:54 pm by sssmommy
Comment (1)  

Tuesday, January 02, 2007
mortality

i just talked with scotty.  he won't be home until saturday now.  he called me this weekend while we were still at my parents' house to let me know he'd be staying longer..until friday.  he told me his cousin was going downhill again after 2 years of remission from cancer.  that was saturday.  today, he called to tell me that his cousin died this morning.  he was 37.  he has a wife and 2 kids....had?

this isn't even why he's been gone...it's just more of what's going on down there..the rest of the picture.

scotty is still helping take care of his mother who also has cancer.  how long she will hang in there is still unknown.

when he called i thought he was telling me it was his mother that had died...and it made me realize just how terrible that moment will be.  i couldn't breathe.

i wrote a letter to his mother recently and i was talking about how i think we have children for the same reason we have mirrors...to see our own reflection when we look into them...and to see the effects of the passing of time.  i often think that without mirrors or my children to look at i might not notice it at all.

death in the family makes us think of our own mortality.  our own passing of time.  our own dying every day.  it seems like too much to bear sometimes.

i've spent the last 7 months thinking about death on a daily basis.  literally many times throughout the day.  just thinking i was going to die any minute.  i would try to think about some future thing and i would think about the fact that i might die any day and it wouldn't matter anyway.  perspective.  real death puts that kind of thinking into perspective.  makes me get outside of my own fears about dying...that there is REAL death going on and that i need to stop thinking about IMAGINARY death and get on with my life.

still, sometimes, it's like holding my breath...just waiting.

i don't want to wait like that.

i don't want to worry...i want to live.

and i'm trying.

yoda says "there is no try...only do"



Currently listening to:
Put Your Records On
By Corinne Bailey Rae



Posted at 1/2/2007 1:49:06 pm by sssmommy
Comments (5)  

Saturday, December 09, 2006
unwritten

for those of you who are sick and tired of hearing this song....plug your ears (or cover your eyes as it were).

this is my theme song right now.

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


Currently reading:
Pigs in Heaven
By Barbara Kingsolver


Currently listening to:
When I Was a Boy
By Jane Siberry



Posted at 12/9/2006 9:43:58 am by sssmommy
Comments (2)  

Wednesday, December 06, 2006
out of the mouths of babes

we were watching a movie the other night ("broken flowers" with bill murray) and he has this really interesting neighbor, and...

i said:  "why don't we have neighbors like that??"

samuel said:  "WE are 'that' neighbor!!"

i laughed so hard, had to stop the movie for a second.

other good movies we've watched lately (and some sort of so so ones with too much hype):

"off the map"...this is an excellent movie.  it's got homesteading, homeschooling, love, craziness, depression, death, and art....it is a must see.

"brokeback mountain"...this i think was way too hyped.  i was left feeling very little at the end.  i thought the relationship between the two men was well played by the actors...very believable.

"chicken little"...whatever you do, do not pay good money to see this.  glad we got it at the library.  i hated this movie within 2 seconds.  it is just bad bad bad.

"benny and joon"...this has johnny depp in it, so of course it is worth watching just for that.  but i saw this about 13 years ago or so.  wanted to watch it again.  it is beautifully done.  and of course there's mary stuart masterson, one of my early crushes (from the movie "some kind of wonderful").  another good movie we plan to get again with jd is "what's eating gilbert grape"...very very good stuff!

there will be few deep wells here for awhile, so get used to this sort of fluff!!





Currently reading:
The Bean Trees: A Novel
By Barbara Kingsolver



Posted at 12/6/2006 10:03:39 am by sssmommy
Comments (5)  

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